ExJWs and Foreclosed Identities

I was introduced to an interesting psychological concept that I believe many if not all, Jehovah’s Witnesses have. It’s something that ExJWs have to work past to find a meaningful life. It’s called “foreclosed identity”. Here’s the definition from the American Psychological Association dictionary:

Foreclosed identity - premature commitment to an identity: the unquestioning acceptance by individuals (usually adolescents) of the role, values, and goals that others (e.g., parents, close friends, teachers, athletic coaches) have chosen for them. The individual’s commitment to the foreclosed identity—for example, that of an athlete—occurs without exploring its value or contemplating alternative roles that might be more appropriate for him or her.

If you grew up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, you recognize everything about this concept. We were given a role to play, a set of values to follow, and a goal in life to pursue. Accepting and adopting this identity was not optional. Unless you were one of the “problem kids”, you probably wore the identity you were given and never questioned whether it was a true reflection of your personal values.

What are the effects of having a “foreclosed identity” after leaving the religion? For me, it’s a lot of resentment and anger. I feel robbed of the experimental phase of life. I didn’t get to make mistakes without the fear of losing everyone I cared about. If I wanted to try something forbidden, it was with the knowledge that I was risking everything, including everlasting life. There was too much to lose. So, like many others, I accepted the role I was assigned and I never questioned it.

Beyond being given a pre-designed identity, we were taught to be grateful for it. We were being protected from unwanted heartache and pain by accepting these standards, this lifestyle. By taking our freedom of choice away, we were supposedly given the gift of safety. But, the price we paid was high. We never discovered our true, authentic self.

This is not a small thing to correct. The longer a person stays in the religion, the harder it is for them to figure out who they really are. So, what happens when you have reached middle age and you still don’t know who you are supposed to be?

There’s not one answer to this question. There are innumerable options available in life but limited time to explore them all. So, I’m going with what pulls at me the most. It’s not easy. I’m way behind on my experimentation. But, as long as I’m not dead, I can keep exploring my options.

If you feel stuck, resentful and angry about life after leaving the Jehovah’s Witness religion, you are not alone. I’ve spoken to many who don’t know what they’re supposed to be. They feel like children in a world full of adults. There’s a reason for this feeling and it’s not your fault. You were handed a life and told to live it in gratitude regardless of how you really felt.

Now that you’re out, it’s time to explore. Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t let yesterday’s standards hamper you from looking into interests that used to make you uncomfortable. Keep an open mind about other people’s decisions and examine whether their lifestyle fits you. 

This is one of the most difficult areas for ExJWs to cope with. Finding your own identity is a crucial part of living a fulfilling life. Talk to a qualified counselor, a trusted confidant, or someone will explore things with you without condemnation.

It’s a big world. Find yourself.