Trust - A Religious Experience

I didn’t think I would ever have a “religious experience”, especially since I have no interest in organized religion. But, something happened that I can only describe as a “religious experience”. It was so overwhelming, so unexpected, and so beautiful that I can find no other way to convey its impact. It was a spiritual epiphany that has changed my life.

I was able to trust someone I love completely and feel safe for the first time in my life. 

Growing up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses created in me a reluctance to trust. Since I knew I couldn’t measure up to their standards perfectly, I learned to hide who I was. I tried to follow the rules publicly but, when I couldn’t measure up, I hid it. I knew if my secrets were ever discovered my imperfection would cost me a position in the organization, my marriage, my friendships, and my family. It was impossible to trust anyone with my true self. The stakes were too high. I feared that the judgment would be too harsh for me to handle. 

I’ve come a long way since then. My new marriage has been a safe haven for me to learn what trust really means. This week it reached heights I never knew existed. I was able to really open up about the core emotions and feelings that I have. These are strong beliefs that have shaped who I am. They were hidden so deeply that it physically hurt to talk about them. But, I was finally able to let these things out of my rusty vault for the first time. 

And I didn’t die. 

And it didn’t change her love for me. 

And our relationship is stronger than ever. 

After sharing my truth and talking about it, I had my “religious experience”. I felt an intense weight lifting off of my heart. I had never known the feeling of believing that I was truly loved. Despite my brutal assessment of myself, she still loved me. No matter what I shared with her, my love was safe. I was safe. 

When I describe this as a “religious experience”, I mean that it changed the core of my soul forever. Ideas, beliefs, and theories about myself and life have been altered within me. That’s how profound it was to feel trust for the first time in my life. It shifted something fundamentally broken inside of me out of the way. I had never felt completely loved before. 

I saw in reality what had only been a theory in my mind. Trust was a concept I thought I understood. I thought I had experienced it before. But now I felt its true power in my life and it began a healing process I didn’t even know I needed. 

I am so grateful to see true love in action. I love and thank my wife for her patience, magnanimous spirit, sense of humor, and the true love she has in her heart and in her deeds. 

I imagine that learning how to trust is something all ExJWs have to go through. We were so brutally betrayed by being taught we were unlovable unless we met impossible standards. How could we ever feel safe when our own imperfections were used to blackmail us into compliance? We could never feel truly loved just for being ourselves.

It’s not easy to find someone to share your deepest self with but, it’s totally worth it. I can’t guarantee that your experience will be as life-changing as my mine but, give it a shot. We were robbed of this core experience while we were in the organization. So, take a chance. We all need it.

This was a lesson I did not see coming. I’m so happy that I have a deeper appreciation for trust and love. I’m grateful for the gentle strength I found in being vulnerable enough to really trust.