Just Reach Out for Help

I found a stash of old journals that I wrote during the darkest period of my life. My marriage was failing. I had been removed as an elder and pioneer. I had been disfellowshipped from the only religion I had ever known. And, my friends and family had cut me off. It’s a rough read. But occasionally, I find something interesting. 

It appears that, even though I didn't leave the Jehovah’s Witness religion until November 2016, the rumblings of my departure started much earlier. I still believed that JWs were the only true religion when I wrote this. That belief was a crushing weight for me.

I wrote this entry on January 4, 2011:

“Another year creeps by and leads me toward oblivion. What will I leave behind? How can any of my actions amount to anything when the very canvas they are written on will fade away? How can I choose a direction and purpose for my life when I know nothing will last? If nothing lasts, why am I forced to live? I cannot find answers that satisfy me.

“I have lived with one belief all my life and now I see many beliefs that could be equally valid. Does that make me an apostate? How can free will exist if there is only one right choice? 

“All I want is to find answers that mean something to me. Answers that satisfy and make sense to me. Because, if it doesn’t make sense, it does no good to believe.”

I remember this as a period of confusion, pain, and suicidal thoughts. I didn’t want to continue living in the fog that was surrounding me. I could see no way out.

Life has changed dramatically for me. I still haven’t completely figured out all of my beliefs but, at least I don’t want to die every day. I now have a loving family that looks at my imperfections and shrugs them off. I have a beautiful place to live. I have friends that love me enough to let me find my own path.

If you are struggling for any reason with life’s ups and downs, let me reassure you: things change. Sometimes the change is better, sometimes it's worse. But, no situation is permanent. There will be good times ahead and the world will be a better place with you in it.

Please don’t keep dark thoughts to yourself. Find someone that you trust, that isn’t judgmental and will let you say whatever is on your mind. Then, open up and talk to them. Sometimes just letting the words flow can defuse the negative path your mind has created.

I didn't have anyone to talk to back in 2011. The stress and turmoil were almost unbearable. If I had been able to reach out to someone, it may have shortened the torment I was feeling.

Now, I have many people in my life that support and love me unconditionally. Back then, I couldn't imagine that I would ever have so much help. All it took to find it was reaching out.

You may not be able to picture having support now. But, it's there, waiting to help. Just reach out. Riding the waves of emotions isn’t simple. But, it’s much easier when you have someone to swim with.