Being Disfellowshipped Isn't The End!

“We feel it would be the loving thing to disfellowship you.”

I believe those were the words that changed my life. 

To clarify, I am not currently disfellowshipped or disassociated from the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Mainly, because I don’t want to play by their rules. I have chosen to separate myself from their religion. That decision has closed many doors and opened even more.

But, this statement, made to me by a judicial committee supposedly formed to help me with my addiction to pain killers, made me realize how hollow their offers of help really were. As a former elder, I knew the focus of every judicial meeting was to “keep the congregation clean”, not to help the person that had asked for assistance. Still, I expected more.

When I was told that the “loving thing” would be to isolate me during my time of greatest need, I knew something was wrong. I spent several years in perpetual humiliation as I attended meetings, ignored by everyone I knew. Friends and family I once counted on, turned their backs to me because of my unrepentant ways. There is a difference between being “unrepentant” and not knowing how to find help. But, they didn’t know that.

Eventually, I became suicidal. I awoke every day disappointed that I hadn’t somehow slipped away from this life in my sleep. I wrote endlessly about my desire to just fade away but, I lacked the courage to do it myself.

One day, I reached the limit of my endurance. I opened a bottle of prescription sleeping pills and a bottle of whiskey. It was time to just go away. As I put the first mouthful of pills into my mouth, the front door opened. My wife at the time had gotten home early.

She was already unable to trust me. So, she burst into the closed room where I had staged my final battle and interrupted my exit strategy. She immediately called an elder to report my latest “sin”. 

I lasted a while longer in that marriage and finally decided that we both deserved to find someone that matched our outlook on life. Although she remarried pretty quickly, I spent the next couple of years alone. I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to know what I really believed.

I left the religion in November 2016, even though I had been reinstated to the group for about a year. The seeds of doubt, planted when I had been told that cutting me off would be the “loving thing to do” had grown into the courage to live life on my own terms.

When all you have ever known is darkness illuminated by a candle, sunlight can be overpowering. Sometimes, I feel that my new life overwhelms me. I have choices and opportunities that I never knew existed. But, now I can just be myself. 

Is disfellowshipping a loving arrangement? I’m not sure how to answer that. Although it led me to my greatest life, it took me to places darker than I could imagine. Sadly, I know I’m not alone. 

There are no words, although many have been tried, to describe what it’s like to have everyone you love voluntarily turn away from you. The loss of association and reassurance from those you trust can make you feel like your value as a human has dropped to nothing. There is a measure of “survivor’s guilt” when you feel free but your cherished friends and family are gone. It’s like experiencing the death of everyone you know.

I’m happy with where I am now. I just wish that I hadn’t completely lost my history. It would be nice to be with people that knew little Michael, teenage Michael, early adult Michael. It would be fun to talk about funny experiences with someone that was there. But, that doesn’t lessen the value of the present.

This life is the only shot we have at making a statement. With or without those that knew us as children, we still have a chance to tell the world who we are. 

If you’re feeling the pain of separation from those you love due to JW policies, I really do understand. The only solace I have found is in making new connections. Learning that “real” people don’t push you out of their life because of your viewpoint or actions has enlightened me. True love accepts, surrenders personal choice over mutual freedom, allows for wrong choices, and still stays connected.

Please don’t give up on yourself. There is an amazing life out there for each one of us. If you can still muster up faith, have faith that there is more in store for you. 

Trust me. I am proof that being disfellowshipped isn’t the end of everything.