Time To Move Forward

Well, I hit a really rough patch. These are normal in life and I expect them. But, this one was particularly dark and it was related to my JW days. 

We just went through a long, intense move to a new place. I’m happy we made this move and I think it’s going to be so much better for us in the long run. But, it really drained all of my energy. Plus, I feel like I’m still recovering emotionally and mentally from leaving the organization and those that I loved. So, my defenses were low.

Then, I made a big mistake. I listened to a YouTube episode that discussed recent developments with the JWs. Part of the coverage included a leaked Zoom meeting announcement someone recorded. Just hearing the phrases and arrangements being made pushed every dangerous button in my head.

Suddenly, I was questioning everything about my life. Had I made the wrong choice in leaving the religion? Was I going to die at Armageddon as a condemned apostate? Why had I wasted my youth and potential as a JW if I was just going to end up being executed? Could I have accomplished more if I had left earlier? Should I return to the organization in hopes of being saved?

I was having my first flashback.

I mean, my mind was all over the place. It was all because I had made the choice to listen to someone’s coverage of JW developments. My motive for listening (at least, what I told myself) was that I wanted to know what my family was learning. It is my last connection to their world. Now, I know that I can’t afford even that smallest peek into what they’re experiencing. It is poison for me.

This is yet another level of loss, and it’s one I didn’t see coming. When I realized that I had to completely avoid all reports of the JW organization, it felt like I had lost my family all over again. Now, I have no insight into what they are thinking and feeling. Again, I was overwhelmed.

I’ve talked to a lot of friends, my new family, and my therapist about this. The consensus is in. It’s time to look forward, not to the past. It’s time to stop worrying about those that I’ve left behind. It’s time to let them live their life, just like I want them to let me live mine.

It’s been a hard realization. The only people that know all my stories from childhood to age 47 are gone. New friends and family will only know me from middle age onward. That still makes me sad. But, it is survivable. With the amount of real pressure building up in the world today, I need to relieve myself from the artificial pressure of keeping up with the organization. 

This is why I’ve stopped posting. I’m sure it won’t make sense to those who were never in the religion. I hope that my experience can help those who were JWs, although I don’t think there’s a one-size solution to recovering from coercive religion. The process of disconnecting from this religion is not instantaneous for some of us. We continue to discover new ways the old teachings impact us. Most importantly, we find a way to cope.

Time to look ahead.

Time to move toward the future.

Time to be me without any ties to the past.