Next Life

I’m amazed at how strong mind control can be. When you belong to a high-control group your entire life, you trust that everything you are directed to do is beneficial. Even when it grates against your personal values, you push through and follow directions. Your mind never gives you room to ask questions or doubt what you are told to do. Until it does. As an elder, I never questioned the policies and procedures used in dealing with people’s problems. I trusted that what I was told to do was the best for everyone. I believed it all came from Jehovah, the Creator of the Universe. Who was I to question His direction? When a member of the congregation comes to an elder with problems or confesses an act defined as a “sin” within the group, the procedure is pretty clear. There are stock scriptures to share with people dealing with depression and other “emotional” problems but, they don’t deal with the practical matters needed to really help a person.  If a supposed “sin” ...

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” ― Rob Siltanen Someone shared this with me a few months ago and it brought tears to my eyes. It filled me with the conviction that being cast aside by Jehovah’s Witnesses wasn’t a death sentence. It was a new life with a new message. These words inspired me to tell my story to those that were never in the religion and have no idea what life is like inside or how difficult it can be to come out.  To those that survived ...

If the world knew how women were viewed and treated by Jehovah’s Witnesses, they would be shocked. We live at a time when women have a stronger voice in society. It’s taken decades of work but, people are finally accepting the value of treating women as equals with important contributions. It’s beautiful to see strong female leaders in the forefront of companies, organizations, and politics without being regarded as hysterical and illogical. I know we still have a long way to go but, it’s so much better than where I came from. To give you an idea, here are some common teachings about women as discussed in publications or at meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses (phrases in quotes are actually used in JW literature and teachings): Women need to wear a "head covering" when teaching in the presence of men Women are not allowed to teach the congregation as a minister Women are expected to “be in silence”, “keep silent”, and “learn in silence” from their husbands ...

I just celebrated my fourth birthday. Sure, I turned 51 but, it’s only the fourth time I’ve been able to commemorate it. It’s still a new experience and I find that it is incredibly healing. The love and appreciation expressed by friends and family are very life-affirming. It’s totally different than what I used to believe. As one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I was taught that birthdays had a pagan origin. They were said to glorify a person, which is wrong since only God should be glorified. The only birthday celebrations mentioned in the Bible, that of Pharaoh in Genesis and Herod in the gospel account, ended in a tragic beheading. This was “proof” that birthdays were terrible celebrations that true Christians should avoid. We feared birthdays. I don’t know the real reason that we were taught that doctrine. Perhaps it started off as a sincere desire to keep from offending God but, the result was that millions of Jehovah’s Witnesses around the world have never had a day when the...

How long does it take to recover from being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses or any other high-control religion? I have often wondered this and I have a feeling that many ExJWs have as well. There are friends, family members, and outsiders that were never JWs who ask, “Why can’t they just move on?” Unfortunately for those of us who have left a high-control religion, it is hard for others to understand the impact and devastation of losing an entire worldview and social structure. To them, it should be like changing churches, or like dealing with any other life change. Just “buck up and move on”, is the advice we’re often given. It’s not their fault. There is simply no way for them to relate to our experience. This doesn’t mean that others don’t try to help. It doesn’t negate their efforts to patiently allow us to grieve and process what has happened. But, it is difficult for many to understand why we can’t just “move on”, even years later. What most people don’t understand i...

Jehovah’s Witnesses use loaded language to influence the behavior of the members. If you aren’t familiar with “loaded language”, here’s a brief definition: "In  rhetoric ,  loaded language  (also known as loaded terms or emotive language) is wording that attempts to influence an audience by using  appeal to emotion  or  stereotypes . Such wording is also known as high-inference language or language persuasive techniques. Loaded words and phrases have strong emotional implications and involve strongly positive or negative reactions beyond their  literal meaning ." ( https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Loaded_language ) As I was watching the recent two-part series on Oxygen ( https://www.oxygen.com/the-witnesses/the-witnesses-investigative-documentary-jehovahs-witnesses-oxygen ) , I heard phrases and words that evoked strong emotional responses within me. Some terms that I hadn’t thought about ...

I didn’t think I would ever have a “religious experience”, especially since I have no interest in organized religion. But, something happened that I can only describe as a “religious experience”. It was so overwhelming, so unexpected, and so beautiful that I can find no other way to convey its impact. It was a spiritual epiphany that has changed my life. I was able to trust someone I love completely and feel safe for the first time in my life.  Growing up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses created in me a reluctance to trust. Since I knew I couldn’t measure up to their standards perfectly, I learned to hide who I was. I tried to follow the rules publicly but, when I couldn’t measure up, I hid it. I knew if my secrets were ever discovered my imperfection would cost me a position in the organization, my marriage, my friendships, and my family. It was impossible to trust anyone with my true self. The stakes were too high. I feared that the judgment would be too harsh for...

Have you ever wondered why famous ExJWs aren’t more outspoken in their criticism of Jehovah’s Witnesses? There are some really big names in entertainment that have a JW past. I’ve often wondered why I don’t hear them speak out more about such serious issues as child sexual abuse, suicide, blood transfusions, women’s rights violations, voter suppression, and the whole range of problems in the organization. It seems like such an important area to use their voice. Obviously, I haven’t talked to any of them and I have no idea why they hold back. But, I can tell you a couple of reasons I feel reserved at times when it comes to criticizing JWs. In my opinion, any organization is made up of two things: people and policies. I still love many of the people in the JW organization. Sure, there are those that I’m not particularly fond of. But, when I think about it, I wonder if they’ve been shaped by the policies so deeply that there’s nothing of that person truly left. I can rail all day...

How much drama was there in your congregation? We moved around a lot when I was a kid and I continued doing so as an adult. So, I was in a lot of congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They all had their individual personality quirks but, there was always one characteristic I could count on: DRAMA. Every single congregation had drama. There were so many different versions of it: disagreements between elders, fights between the pioneers, territory disputes, people sleeping around with other members, juvenile mischief, etc. It never failed. There was going to be drama. I learned the reason why a couple of years ago in a discussion with a mental health professional. There is a model of social interaction called the Karpman Drama Triangle . In this structure, people play one of these roles: victim, persecutor, or rescuer. They might fall predominantly into one of these roles but, they can float between the three as well. Sometimes, people can change roles in the midst of a convers...