Next Life

For 47 years, I was certain I would see Armageddon destroy everyone outside of the Jehovah's Witness religion. I knew for a fact that all governments, industries, and other religions were controlled by Satan. There was a purpose for mankind and it would only be realized after everyone outside our organization would be obliterated. As gruesome as that sounds, it was comforting. I never had to worry about the ups and downs of the stock market. I never gave a second thought to politics. I never cared about anyone else's false beliefs. Every world event, no matter how catastrophic, could be explained away as part of Satan's world. This belief system gave me a false sense of confidence. I wouldn't have been bothered by a pandemic, economic uncertainty, or political unrest. It was a comfortable bubble that I lived in. Since leaving the JW religion, life has become uncertain. I can no longer fall back on doctrines that are based on fantasy. I cannot feel sure of what will happ...

I wanted to follow up on my last post with some helpful tools for dealing with emotional flashbacks. If you have left a high-control religion, like Jehovah’s Witnesses, there’s a very good chance you will experience some of the symptoms of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). This is different than PTSD and is more emotional in nature. When we hear about PTSD or flashbacks we typically think of the movie or television portrayal of vivid images engulfing someone. In those scenes it shows the sufferer experiencing a traumatic event all over again, complete with pictures, sounds, smells, and whatever else accompanied the initial event. Individuals who suffer from C-PTSD have emotional flashbacks. Instead of experiencing sensory reminders of an event, they feel all of the emotions associated with the initial trauma. So if you were abused verbally as a child, hearing harsh criticism can bring on all of the feelings of being a small, defenseless person seeking safety and receiving none. There is a w...

Well, I hit a really rough patch. These are normal in life and I expect them. But, this one was particularly dark and it was related to my JW days.  We just went through a long, intense move to a new place. I’m happy we made this move and I think it’s going to be so much better for us in the long run. But, it really drained all of my energy. Plus, I feel like I’m still recovering emotionally and mentally from leaving the organization and those that I loved. So, my defenses were low. Then, I made a big mistake. I listened to a YouTube episode that discussed recent developments with the JWs. Part of the coverage included a leaked Zoom meeting announcement someone recorded. Just hearing the phrases and arrangements being made pushed every dangerous button in my head. Suddenly, I was questioning everything about my life. Had I made the wrong choice in leaving the religion? Was I going to die at Armageddon as a condemned apostate? Why had I wasted my youth and potential as a JW if I w...

This is a serious time for us all. We’re being asked to look at ourselves, our unconscious acceptance of wrong, and our personal complicity. We always have room for improvement. We all need to change. For ExJWs, this moment should feel familiar. We’ve been through the process of waking up before. We’ve struggled through the process of sacrificing our most precious beliefs to take a stand for what is right. We’ve shown that we’re willing to stretch ourselves to become more than we believed possible. This moment is upon us again. Do you remember the process of questioning, investigating, deliberating, and choices that you went through when you left the organization? It took soul-searching, gut-wrenching, life-changing decisions, (some small, others larger) to reach the point you are at now. Would you change any of those decisions now? Even knowing the pain involved in that growth process, would you choose any other path? Large changes are rarely planned. Who of us would ever have guess...

I’ve taken quite a break from writing blog posts because I’ve been on a quest. The main reason I started this blog was to be open about my process of recovery from being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I wanted other survivors to know they weren't alone. We go through many of the same phases or recovery because the source of our trauma is the same. But, I decided to take a step back and try to do some hard work on myself. I recently uncovered some painful memories and wasn’t sure I could handle it. So, I went on a quest within. It was time for me to really work on what I believed about life, the universe, and everything. I was able to work through my trauma using a belief system I had constructed myself. I found a way to frame the past so that it wouldn’t hurt me, enjoy the day given to me, and look to the future with hope. It has been a truly empowering experience. This seems to be part of our journey as humans, not just former members of a high control group. We all must find a “tr...

There have been a lot of articles and books written over the years about “highly sensitive people” and “empaths”. Usually, these sources contain lists of common traits that identify someone as “highly sensitive”. Instead of recreating these lists, I’ll just mention a few identifiers: You feel other people’s pain as if it were your own, even if you don’t know them very well You can read the mood of a room quickly and accurately You can be overwhelmed by emotional situations, even if you aren’t directly involved People open up to you quickly because you are an active listener You are often asked for advice Tragic news and catastrophic events have a deep emotional impact on you You love deeply and without limits You can be easily hurt by those you love, even if it is an accident You can calm and soothe people under stress You feel compelled to help others You need time to be alone and recharge You can be deeply moved by artistic expressions and na...

“We feel it would be the loving thing to disfellowship you.” I believe those were the words that changed my life.  To clarify, I am not currently disfellowshipped or disassociated from the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Mainly, because I don’t want to play by their rules. I have chosen to separate myself from their religion. That decision has closed many doors and opened even more. But, this statement, made to me by a judicial committee supposedly formed to help me with my addiction to pain killers, made me realize how hollow their offers of help really were. As a former elder, I knew the focus of every judicial meeting was to “keep the congregation clean”, not to help the person that had asked for assistance. Still, I expected more. When I was told that the “loving thing” would be to isolate me during my time of greatest need, I knew something was wrong. I spent several years in perpetual humiliation as I attended meetings, ignored by everyone I knew. Fri...

I found a stash of old journals that I wrote during the darkest period of my life. My marriage was failing. I had been removed as an elder and pioneer. I had been disfellowshipped from the only religion I had ever known. And, my friends and family had cut me off. It’s a rough read. But occasionally, I find something interesting.  It appears that, even though I didn't leave the Jehovah’s Witness religion until November 2016, the rumblings of my departure started much earlier. I still believed that JWs were the only true religion when I wrote this. That belief was a crushing weight for me. I wrote this entry on January 4, 2011: “Another year creeps by and leads me toward oblivion. What will I leave behind? How can any of my actions amount to anything when the very canvas they are written on will fade away? How can I choose a direction and purpose for my life when I know nothing will last? If nothing lasts, why am I forced to live? I cannot find answers that satisfy m...

I’m writing this post for people that have left the Jehovah’s Witness religion. I am not in danger or in need of additional help. I just want ExJWs to know that, if they are struggling, they’re not alone. It’s been difficult to write new posts because of how dark things have gotten. My mental state has been very muddled and scary. The world situation seems very bleak and uncertain right now. This means it is a prime moment for my mind to revert back to the terrifying things we were taught. I see what’s going on in the world and unconsciously start projecting what is coming. I used to do that a lot when I was a JW. After 9/11, I thought I knew exactly how the world was going to start fulfilling Bible prophecies that lead to Armageddon. I felt certain that we would finally see the end of Satan’s old world. I don’t believe any of that anymore. I can’t fathom any scenario where a Supreme Being would feel the need to prove his power by destroying the vast majority of mankind...

I’ve decided to take a break from writing about serious subjects and just write for fun. Things have been way too serious lately. I guess a worldwide pandemic will do that. Instead, I want to tell you about my favorite teacher. Duncan is my five-pound Yorkie. He’s seven years old and I believe he’s one of the wisest creatures I’ve ever known. In fact, here are ten things I have learned from this furry Yoda. Don’t overdramatize injuries I’ve watched Duncan shake off tumbles, falls, and crashes without making a sound. Why? Because he’s having too much fun playing. He values his playtime more than his pain. I think this is an important lesson. If I only focus on my problems and issues, even if they are serious, I don’t enjoy life. Plus, people tend to leave complainers out of fun events. Watch out for situations that can hurt, even if you look like a coward Because Duncan is small, he flinches and runs to avoid potential injuries. The sound of a book hitting th...

I have been thinking a lot about family and friends that have chosen to disconnect from me. My emotions are pulling at me to reach out and make sure they’re all right. Of course, I know they either wouldn’t talk to me or they would preach to me if I called. Still, I really want to hear that they’re all right. One realization keeps me from checking on them: this is their test of faith. Whether I agree with it or not, to them, their relationship with God is on the line. I'm sure their emotions are telling them to call and check on me too. But, there is ingrained training that tells them I am an evil apostate. This is a test to see who they love more: me or their God. That puts an incredible amount of pressure on them at a time when they feel their life is at stake.  It’s like a Rorschach test. They see this as the end of the world, while many see this as a time to pull together and help. They see God’s judgment coming upon mankind, while the majority see it as a time to r...

Routine is important. We all have a usual routine that has been disrupted. But, whether we realize it or not, we are forming a new routine right now. If we’re like the majority of people, we find ourselves glued to the TV, waiting for the latest grim statistics.  However, this is the time to make a new way of life. We can choose to create something beautiful. We can begin every day by centering our focus on the desire to care for ourselves and everyone around us. We can start by making sure that our daily actions are rooted in love.  It is tempting to listen to the reports of disaster constantly. We probably do it hoping this will be the day to hear good news. We want to be present when we finally receive the release that the virus is under control and that life can return to normal. The truth is, we’re all starved for something positive.  But, we can create the positivity we desire by having a good routine. Even when the world news is bleak, if our person...

Since social distancing started I’ve noticed people have started avoiding eye contact too. Maybe I’m just noticing it in myself but, I think some of us may tend this way. It seems automatic to look down if I can’t shake someone’s hand. We need to protect ourselves and each other right now through physical distancing, not social distancing. If anything, we need our social network to be tighter and more connected than ever before, even with those we don’t know.  Not physically connecting through a handshake or hug can trigger a dangerous emotion: fear . If we’re not careful to maintain social, not physical, contact, we may lose touch with something truly important: love .  Remember, that, although it is normal to fear the virus, we don’t need to fear each other. Make eye contact, say hello, ask how people are doing. We don’t have to stop being civil and polite just because we can’t shake hands.  This is a hard kind of love. This is love that preserves li...

I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety today. The world is bleak with disease, earthquakes and the threat of war. There is a lot of anxiety over whether I’ve made a bad choice about leaving the high-control Jehovah’s Witness organization I belonged to my entire life. I feel fear and regret over my past. But, on a logical level, things are different.  True religion helps you feel stronger during crisis. False religion makes you fearful. Real spirituality expands to include others. Fake spirituality contracts to exclude. Fear is the opposite of love and any idea that promotes a terrifying view of the world cannot be based in love. Philosophies based on either outlook can be judged based on their roots: it is loving and true or it is fearful and false.  There is not going to be a perfect resolution to this crisis. It is unprecedented. But, we will get through this. It won’t be without loss or hardship. It will not be the same for any of us when this is over. But, the measu...

This is the strangest life I’ve ever known. - Jim Morrison I can’t get that quote out of my head. The last few days of watching the world have really been interesting, confusing, and frightening. My hope is that people will start treating each other more humanely as we adjust to our new way of life. We can’t afford to devolve into a society focused only on self. Here is my request for everyone: please take care of yourself and your immediate family. We start conquering this pandemic by listening to the simple guidelines being given by professionals that know how to stop this from spreading. Wash your hands, avoid touching your face, stay out of large groups, and don’t hoard. It’s actually pretty simple to follow. Problems appear when people let our ego make decisions. It’s not just selfish to place our needs above everyone else’s. It’s dangerous. There are many who don’t have the physical or monetary resources to get what they need right now. That makes this the moment ...

Well, here it is. This is the first world crisis for me since leaving the Jehovah’s Witness religion. So, what’s it like to face a doomsday scenario when you used to belong to a doomsday cult? It can be pretty uncomfortable. Because I was trained to look for situations that would lead to the end of the world, my mind has been working overtime looking for how this current crisis could fulfill prophecies I was taught as a child. It’s not like I have a choice in thinking this way, at least not yet. My brain automatically goes down all the paths that current events could take us. It’s almost an unconscious process for me to figure out how this will all lead to Armageddon. That doesn’t mean I believe we’re facing the end of the world. I recognize that this is still the old programming fighting to reassert itself. I can’t just shake off a lifetime of mental grooming in a few years.  But, it is fascinating to look at how my mind is reacting to this crisis. Some days I feel...

I have noticed that I have a difficult time expressing my own opinion. When it comes to explaining what I believe, I shy away from using the phrase “I believe”. I think there are deep reasons for my hesitancy to express myself freely. Part of it is today’s society, part of it is the way I was raised. Things are a bit scary in today’s world. There is a high danger of being shot down and shamed for speaking your truth. Whether your viewpoint is extreme, moderate, or conservative, there always seems to be people ready to point out how foolish your thoughts are. That naturally causes hesitancy because we want to be heard, not ridiculed when we express ourselves. ExJWs have another hurdle to overcome when it comes to free expression. We just aren’t used to exposing who we are to people. We are used to having an organization dictate our beliefs. So, when explaining ourselves to outsiders, we probably used the phrase, “We believe…”. I don’t remember saying “I believe” very often w...

I was eight years old in the summer of 1977 and my world was rocked. I remember standing in the longest line I had ever seen at a Florida movie theater struggling to control my excitement. We were on a family vacation and my father had taken me to see the movie I had anticipated all year -  Star Wars ! It wasn’t "A New Hope" back then. It was just  Star Wars , and it was glorious. It’s all I could think about for months. My friends and I played in that imaginary galaxy for years to come. That place far, far away and all of its spin-offs are still my comfort food. But, that same year there was a movie that tested my faith. In October 1977,  Oh God!  was released. My eight-year-old brain was rattled by the title alone. It was blasphemous! Plus, John Denver was in it. At the time, there were a lot of rumors circulating among Jehovah’s Witnesses that John Denver hated us. I remember one very clearly.  He allegedly made an announcement before one of hi...

I’m amazed at how strong mind control can be. When you belong to a high-control group your entire life, you trust that everything you are directed to do is beneficial. Even when it grates against your personal values, you push through and follow directions. Your mind never gives you room to ask questions or doubt what you are told to do. Until it does. As an elder, I never questioned the policies and procedures used in dealing with people’s problems. I trusted that what I was told to do was the best for everyone. I believed it all came from Jehovah, the Creator of the Universe. Who was I to question His direction? When a member of the congregation comes to an elder with problems or confesses an act defined as a “sin” within the group, the procedure is pretty clear. There are stock scriptures to share with people dealing with depression and other “emotional” problems but, they don’t deal with the practical matters needed to really help a person.  If a supposed “sin” ...